Another Step

02Nov09

Whenever I go through a breakup I find myself questioning the things that make me – Me. The things that motivate me, the things that I want out of life, my goals and my ability to successfully attain those things I want. What did I do, what could I have done – why didn’t he want me? The many lines, or reasons I hear from each one – when they actually give me one – are all very different, but I still find myself feeling the same way. Why is it that these events shake me to my core? Why do I assume that any personal progress I may have made in the amount of time I was with him was due solely to him, and meant nothing or will disappear with him? With as many times as this scenario has been a part of my life, sad to say, I have never asked myself that question. Why do I discount myself in the significance of the relationship?

Recently I experienced something I knew was coming, but was still surprised and hurt as if it was an unimaginable event. I’m going to call this one the non-breakup breakup. I had met a guy, a great guy, a couple months back. He was my best friend’s husband’s cousins. At that point in my life I had sworn off men, just been through a pretty rough heart break, my opinion of the opposite sex was extremely low. But this one had a pretty reliable reference so I decided to give it a shot. So here we go: Date 1- sushi, baseball, and wine. I didn’t know what to expect going into it, I don’t think I expected anything actually, but to my pleasant astonishment, I had a wonderful time. The conversations were fluid, flowing the entire date from topic to topic, covering areas from wedding toasts, to religion, to kids, to our own personal views on life. I was surprised to find someone that shared a lot of the same ideas as I have. All in all I thought it was a successful evening. The next day- Date 2: my first soccer game – fun, exciting, new. The next month or so fallowed suit. Mixed in with the laughs, deep conversation, bottles of wine, and the many movies I fell asleep during were a couple of the “where do you see this going” talks. The overall consensus was that neither of us was at a place in our lives where we wanted to be tied down. We each had our own goal and things we wanted to accomplish before the idea of a significant other was even remote possibility. We decided to keep it light, no expectations, no commitments.

I’ve always been a really private person. I don’t open up and share things about myself to anyone easily. It just gives them ammo to take you out with later in life, and I don’t like feeling vulnerable or viewed as weak. But for some reason, I can’t explain, I let my guard down with this one. After a few weeks into this non-relationship relationship it dawned on me, even though there is no commitment, I am setting myself up for hurt. Immediately I wanted to throw my protective wall up and hide behind it. But for some reason I fought against it. I guess it’s because some part of me knew that this was something I needed to do. I needed to allow myself to be vulnerable, to be open to someone, in order to grow and be open more in life. I knew it would cause me pain, but I don’t think it mattered to me.

Anyway, back to the story at hand. This non-breakup breakup was very emotional. But with it being such a short non-relationship relationship why was I so sad? It wasn’t a goodbye, we agreed to remain friends. It wasn’t the end of some epic love; yes I had feelings for him and, admittedly, they had started to grow deeper than I initially intended, but they had just started, and were halted by the week preceding these events, so that couldn’t have been it. I started digging deeper. I needed to find the answer and the only place that answer would be found was inside of me; time for some soul searching. Here’s what I came up with. It was a conditioned response. I am not discounting my sadness, because I am very sad. Even though we are friends, that relationship will never be as close. I loved having someone ask how my day was, and really cared to know. He became a type of support system I hadn’t had before, encouraging, and genuinely interested in who I am, what i had to say, what I wanted, and where I was headed. The future for our friendship, while still very valuable, will never be the same. But I digress; the conditioned response I mentioned was to the reality of what was going on. I was being told by someone I cared for that he didn’t want me anymore. Without the time for real analysis of the situation, the waterworks were turned on.

I’m a strong believer that everyone is brought into our lives for a reason. Whether it is to lead us somewhere, hold our hand through some trauma, or teach us something, each new person has value. Whenever someone leaves my life, even though it has proven to be a struggle sometimes, I try to identify why they were brought to me in the first place. For example; Brady held my hand through some seriously trying times growing up, as I did for him. Bryan helped me experience, love, and long for a life in the city. Alex (this one was the hardest for me to define) got me in the habit of wearing my seat belt, and also showed me how much inner strength I actually have. Cory (the non-breakup breakup) was the most significant for a number of reasons. He opened my eyes to so many new things, and taught me to just enjoy life how it is now while staying focused on the future. He encouraged things I wanted to do, like writing for instance. But the most important thing he showed me, the thing I will treasure for the rest of my life, the thing that had been stripped away bit by bit from the most recent relationship, is that it’s not only okay to be me, but it is great to be me. I’ve always had confidence, but now I feel more confident with who I am and what I have to offer. I’m not saying this wouldn’t have happened on its own, or by some other method, but without a doubt he was a catalyst for this positive change in me.

I started writing this because thoughts seem to get jumbled in my head, there was too much going on in there to make sense of any of it. I thought getting these thoughts down on paper would help me work through them; they make more sense written down than frantically swirling in my mind. The original question I had, why do I think I will go right back to where I was before I met these people? The answer – because I let myself. I place too much emphasis on the relationship itself, instead of seeing it as another stepping stone on life’s path. Any growth I made during the relationship wasn’t only because of them; no one can change me except me. I am the one who set the goals and expectations. So just because someone is no longer in my life does not mean I do not continue on the path I set for myself. It’s insane to look back and realize how much I have grown. I see things a lot differently – in a much more positive light. And it feels GREAT!

Filed under: Everyday life   |  Leave a Comment